barakah

New Blog @ philosophized.wordpress.com (Life, Philosophized)

Hi All,

As much as I love tumblr, I was finding myself wanting to write more… like an actual blog blog, not just pictures and felt guilty bombarding everyone with all my words using the wrong platform - on top of which I wanted to be able to read comments. But, I hope you check it out anyway…

much love,

barakah

philosophized.wordpress.com

Rebloggin: Future-You can handle it!

Rebloggin: Future-You can handle it! …Cause I thought it was awesome.

Back to school, as an adult.

Today was our second orientation day and at some point all International students separated into groups of 25 or so and set off on a little walking tour of the city. Of course, by now I’d walked through it all, more than once and to my surprise had seen more of everything that there is to see than anyone else I had talked to. At first this confused me (how could someone who has moved to another country choose not to explore it -baffling), but soon it became clear why… no, it’s not so much that I am from far away, or that I am some sort of art/culture buff - the real reason is quiet simple… apparently I am just old, and they’re young and uninterested.

Granted, I am still in the midst of all International students, most of which are only here for 4-5 month Erasmus exchange programs affiliated with their Bachelor degrees. So, obviously we aren’t exactly in the same boat - not here for the same reason or for the same program. And, it’s not like I don’t know that I’m older, I mean certainly everyone I know my age jokes about feeling this way, but the moment I had this realization (as I was chatting it up with a 20 year old, 21 year old and two 23 year old (and a few others I had grown wise enough by which not to ask… ) At first, I was a bit uncertain of my reaction to our age difference, but what amused me more was theirs… when asked to guess my age, they deduced that since I was there for a Master’s program I am probably older than them, so maybe 24…?

First things first, I am old enough to LOVE that! But, when I told them I was 28 it was as if I had said I was 50, or at least what my reaction would be if someone said to me that they were… so you mean over the hill, right? I struggled with this notion down a crooked alley on the way to a local pub, all the while trying to maintain the illusion of a conversation. How old will the people in my program be? (quick, do the math - bachelors (3-4 years) PLUS masters (2 years) PLUS work (0-3) = enter advanced Masters program at … 24-27ish… maybe?) How old do I need to act? How old do I need feel? Am I here for the same thing? Well, pretty much a million questions a minute and then we got to the pub and within an hour, all of a sudden everything changed - as I was spending way too much energy grappling with my age I forgot one important detail - I may be older, but I am also so much wiser and happier and just better off. DUH!

As I sat there juggling a conversation with four youngsters simultaneously, it suddenly came rushing back to me, how uncomfortable youth feels… that never ending urge to test your limits and follow along in a herd, with whatever, whoever, lest someone discover your great discomfort with yourself and your lack of purpose in life.

It’s not to say that we don’t all have insecurities and moments of weakness, if not lengthy ones, where we do what others want, feel anxious and don’t know ourselves as well as we should. But, do you remember? When you’re young, it’s so much more amplified…!  it’s as if you’re so use to taking orders from people, that you don’t yet realize - you and only you are in complete control of your own life.

And it’s at this very moment, that I looked at them, with their exact same drink that they ordered together and sincere timidness and this crazy notion that they need to, or worse, have to listen to me talk… like I was some sort of authority figure to be reverenced, feared and just in case, force best behavior… and for the first time, maybe ever I was so glad to be me, my age, right now - yes, old.

For once age was on my side…  I am much too old to feel that uncomfortable, much too old to care that much what others think, much too old to follow blindly, much too old to be completely without reservations or rules - I can not, I will not ignore the life lesson’s that I’ve learned thus far.

I may be in Europe, and open to life, possibilities and spontaneity, but I’m not here for my Freshman 15 or a crazy dating disasters or weekends I can’t remember. I should be old enough to decide with who, when and where I spend my lovely days.

I’ve passed the point in my life where I can drink like a fish, eat like a king or bang like a buck or anything else of the extreme variety - but the things I do choose to do with my life will be thoroughly enjoyed, I promise you that.

What a revelation - I think I’m finally ready to completely own my age. No excuses, No apologies. (Sorry, I’m not sorry! @Rachel Wilkerson - On Owning It  & Call to Arms)

Of course, this doesn’t mean staying away from the young (they have enough spirit and energy to make for great friends), only that from this point on I give myself full permission to not have to fit in or hide my age or our differences, to be here for me, for my life, for my enjoyment, and for my career - not to LOSE myself, but to FIND more… and continue on my, ALREADY FORGED, path…

Officially, hear me say this: I am going back to school, as an adult.